PORTUGAL :]

Monday, March 26, 2007

food for thought.
just now i had the biggest quarrel in my life with 2 friends.
during the quarrel,this friend said something like this: "You know why I said you 'everytime like this', it's because you put on a stern and black face everytime. You ask yourself:How many days have you been happy with us? Throughout our jc life, I can use a camera and take down all your expressions and show you how unhappy you were"

though this wasn't the point of our argument and i saw it as a personal attack and felt vulnerable when she said that,now im thinking over what she had said.
i felt in fact very tiny when she said that,a feeling of helplessness;unable to defend myself except to put on a fierce fight.what right did she have to say whether im happy or based on my facial expression?and did i seem unhappy to her all the time?what kind of accusation is that man.and what sarcasm it was regarding the camera part.
and so the quarrel went on.

maybe i should start smiling more.but that is just how i look.just this face.this fucking face.
maybe i have a dislikeable face.
i don't exactly have a friendly face,or a sweet angelic face which everyone adores.
and smiling..i never knew how to smile properly since primary 5.i dont usually go around with a smiling face unless my mood is super duper good on certain days.
and that is why people think that im unfriendly or depressed or what sometimes but im really not.im just used to it wearing this look.just like how everyone wears his/her own looks.

so maybe from tomorrow onwards i will try harder to have a friendlier face.actually i have been trying so far,but yes i will try harder.remind myself every nw and then to wear a likeable face so that people won't think that im stuck up or stressed up or troubled or unfriendly.
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i didn't really know why i blew my top today.it was my first time walking out on friends and being so darn direct in an argument.
yea.being ignored unknowingly.i just felt that my existence there at the outing was redunctant when 2 of them can maintain conversations without me.and right from the start.
the last straw was when i was contemplating whether they did that because they are worried i won't return them their money or they simply have something secretive to say which they don't want to say in front of me,which again boiled down to forgoing my existence.
if its the money issue.darn it.why act as if i won't return them the money and they have to plan this thing to do to 'force' me to return the money.it's not like i will take their money for nothing.if nt i would nt have offered to use NETS to pay first.if i want to think from their point of view,yea when i offered my NETS,wouldn't i run the danger of them nt returing money?i thought good friends can sort of put money issues aside to the last and not do this kinda innane thing?i rather them be direct with me than do this kinda thing because when they do this kinda thing i have my feelings and i can guess their intentions,which is hurting.
if it's the thing about not wanting my presence around if they want to say something secretive to each other,they don't have to do that in front of me.

so in my state of fury,confusion and irrationality,i decided to just leave before i blew my top.
but when i went back again,i just blew my top.maybe i shouldn't have picked up that phone call,or went back.
that wasn't what i desired.
fuck.what's happening to me.

then when i knew it was the money thing,i was darn upset and pissed.
so that was why they spent such a long time during their first trip to the counter?discussing on how to deal with 'forcing' me to return the money because they think i won't return it?
and i wanted to go into that,but my friend cut me off.so i had to narrate my story right from the start,which wasnt REALLY the thing that made me left.
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sometimes i feel darn alone in this clique of ours.
because whenever quarrels arise,nobody would take my stand.
it has always been like that.the two of them opposing me and i feel outnumbered and invaded,forcing me to be even more pissed and irrational in my arguments.
and i wonder how long can our friendship last.

sometimes i have a talk with that friend and i get disappointment.
because if i know that if i ever need help,he is not one i can depend on.
because he will feel he is not obliged to help me or what and even if i ask it as a favour,he said before he can choose to do or not do it,depending on whether he thinks it's pointless or not.
so since then,i never really bothered to ask him for help anymore.
i don't need people to tell me whether it's pointless or not,because i believe that as a friend,you help out all you can.
because help comes out of your own will.no point begging him continuosly for help even though i really need it.

sometimes,a friend is there for you to vent your frustrations on,to help you when you needed it the most.but i do not get that from this clique.
i thought friends should be open with one another and make it a point to respect one another and not pass sacarsm remarks.
even during quarrels,i always make it a point not to pass sarcasm remarks and criticise my friends/make a personal attack such as you are horrible man,you are darn childish etc.
because it makes things worse.
true that they probably didn't mean it when they said it,but it's like omg,how can you say that your friend is the most horrible and terrible person even when you were in a fury?

and ok,i ask myself now.have i been a good friend so far to them.
in some aspects i have failed yea.failing to take note what are the things he is sensitive of.the taboo topics.
being ridiculous?i dunno why but i only hear this from the 2 of them and not from any other friend before.same goes for being insensitive.
being too reserved at times and i have mood swings which i sometimes give it to them.

sometimes im disappointed with him.because i can help him willingly,be prepared to help him anytime but is he able to do the same for me.i dont get that mutual response.
sometimes i doubt what is our friendship based on.like really nothing.no going through of tough obstacles together or whatsoever.
and can we really click as one.

outings.why not a group outing.why everytime it's a failure to get everyone together.
at first i tried hard to 'force' everyone to be go for outings.but over the months,or perhaps a year plus,i give up organising things because some people just don't care or take into priority this friendship.and i know i feel kinda guilt-conscious for making her plan the outings almost everytime ever since then.
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so yea,maybe they can say i expect too much of themp;that i want things my own way.
perhaps this friendship that im seeking for is too demanding.
but i thought those were the basic ingredients of TRUE friendship-helping willingly,caring,understanding,respect and being open with one another.
yea,it takes a long path to TRUE friendship.
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*better go sleep now.i have been waiting for her call.but to no avail.it's 3am now!gosh and i got to wake up at 6.
if we were to drift apart,whose fault would it be?
perhaps fate.

PORTUGAL :]

xoxo